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Bloat Jokes

Heard a good one lately? Send it to the Bloatbusters™. The best joke every month wins a free guided tour of the Hall of Bloat and gets to try the microcoded computer games in the Sea of Tranquility®.


Steppin' In It

Two Visual Basic programmers were walking down a dark alleyway late one night.

"Watch your step!" said VeeBee One. "Look what you almost stepped in!"

They looked down at the suspicious clump on the pavement in front of them. VeeBee Two scooped some up in his hand.

"Feels like BLOAT!" he said. VeeBee One picked some up, rolled it between his fingers, and nodded in agreement. "Sure does!"

Next they held it right under their noses and took a good long whiff.

"Phew!" said VeeBee One and VeeBee Two in unison. "Sure does smell like BLOAT! Wonder if it TASTES like BLOAT too?"

So they both took a new gigantic scoop and ate it up.

"Ogawd!" they said. "It tastes like BLOAT too! It probably is BLOAT! Good thing we didn't step in it!"


The Facts of Life

Two Delphi wannabes were out of work and digging ditches to make ends meet. It was a very hot and humid day and they were getting really sweaty and dirty.

Suddenly a red Ferrari comes racing by, the driver slams on the brakes, swerves around, races back past them again, turns on a pinhead, and comes to a stop in front of them. The driver gets out and comes to the edge of the ditch, undoes his fly and starts whizzing away. He doesn't see the two Delphi wannabes.

"Will you look what he's doing!" says Delphi One to Delphi Two. "Shsssh!" says Delphi Two to Delphi One. "He doesn't see us!"

"Oh!" says Delphi One, and then drops into deep thought. "Hey I just wondered something," he tells Delphi Two. "How come two talented Delphi wannabes like us are standing here in this shitty weather digging ditches and that guy up there gets to drive a red Ferrari and pee all over us?"

"Why don't you ask him?" suggested Delphi Two. And Delphi One crawled up out of the ditch just in time to see Ferrari Guy climb behind the wheel of his car again.

"Excuse me sir!" Delphi One said. "Me and my partner there, we're Delphi wannabes what hit on hard times, so we're digging ditches waiting for this real professional assignment, and we saw you like... well you know. Hey can you tell me how come we gotta dig these stinkin' ditches and you get to drive around in a red Ferrari?"

"That's simple," said Ferrari Guy. "I'm a C programmer."

"A C programmer?" said Delphi One. "What's that? How do I get to be one of them?"

Ferrari Guy smiled. "Well for starters you'd have to be really smart."

"Oh I'm real smart!" said Delphi One. "Honest I am!"

"Really?" said Ferrari Guy, intrigued. "Let's make a little experiment!" And he got out of the car again. "Can I borrow your shovel for a minute? Thanks. Now I'm going to put my hand flat on this shovel and I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can. Just go ahead. You won't hurt me. I promise."

And Delphi One let fly with a wild hard punch, aimed right at Ferrari Guy's hand, but Ferrari Guy, wouldn't you know it, he pulled his hand away when Delphi One was about to strike, so Delphi One hit his hand on the shovel and hurt it bad.

"Ouch!" cried Delphi One in pain. "That really hurt!"

"Of course it did!" Ferrari Guy told him. "And you hurt yourself because you weren't smart enough not to! That's how smart you'd have to be to become a C programmer!" And he got back in his car and drove away.

When Delphi One was back in the ditch Delphi Two was all over him. "What did he say? How come we're down here in this ditch and he's up there drivin' a red Ferrari and peein' on us?"

"It's because he's a C programmer," said Delphi One confidently.

"A C programmer?" said Delphi Two. "What's that?"

"Well let me try to explain," said Delphi One. "Now I'm going to put my hand flat on my face and I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can. Just go ahead. You won't hurt me. I promise."


The Bar Bet

A C++ programmer was sitting all alone in a bar one night. In walks a C programmer with a beautiful blonde on his arm. They sit down next to him. The C programmer talks to the bartender, fiddles with his pockets, looks a little flustered, then turns to the C++ programmer.

"Sorry to disturb you," he says, "but I seem to have misplaced my wallet. I was wondering if you'd be interested in a little bar bet."

"Why sure!" said the C++ programmer. "How does it work?"

"Simple!" said the C programmer. "I give you a riddle. It's not an easy riddle, but it can be solved. And if you do solve it correctly, this beautiful woman here beside me will follow you home and make your every fantasy come true."

"And if I don't solve the riddle?" asked the C++ programmer.

"Oh nothing much," replied the C programmer. "You pick up our tab here is all."

"Deal!" said the C++ programmer. "What's the riddle?"

The C programmer smiled. "This is the riddle:"

"My father has a child. But it is not my brother, and it is not my sister either - who is it?"

And immediately the C++ programmer fell into deep thought. After several minutes had gone by the C programmer tapped him on the shoulder. "We have to have an answer soon," he said. "We're dying of thirst here!"

"Ok, I give up. You win the bet!" the C++ programmer said sadly. With that, the C programmer called the bartender over, ordered a whole bottle of Bowmore Single Malt 29 Years Old, had the bartender put it in a bag, pointed to the C++ programmer, got up from his bar stool, and was on his way out the door when the C++ programmer caught up with him. "So what was the answer? If I am going to pay $120 for that bottle of Scotch I'm entitled to know the answer to the riddle!"

"Quite right, you are at that!" said the C programmer. "It was - ME!"

And the C programmer and his beautiful blonde started laughing uncontrollably and walked out the door.

* * *

A short while after that another C++ programmer came through the door and took a seat at the bar. C++ One saw his chance to win back his $120 and his pride too. He presented the deal to C++ Two, who gladly accepted, and then told him the riddle. C++ Two was likewise lost in deep thought for many long minutes. At last he looked up and admitted defeat.

"I give up!" he said. "Your father has a child, but it's not your brother, and it's not your sister either - who is it?"

C++ One was triumphant.

"It's - a C programmer that was in here just five minutes before you!"


The Leap of Faith

Two men were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building, the one with his arms extended and shivering frantically, the other standing back at a safe distance and speaking to the first in low tones. Suddenly the terrified man leapt off the edge. His body turned head over heel and he went SPLAT into the pavement below.

Two old ladies were walking by, saw the body squish the pavement, and looked up knowingly. The one said to the other:

"Boy! That Clark Kent really hates OO gurus, doesn't he?"


Windows 2000 Startup Code

Many people risked their lives getting this to us. Remember them as you study this unique document.

//  THIS CODE AND INFORMATION IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF 
//  ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO 
//  THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND/OR FITNESS FOR A 
//  PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
//
//  Copyright (C) 1971-2000  Microsoft Corporation.  All Rights Reserved.
//
//  PROGRAM: w2k.c
//
//  PURPOSE: Mess up the minds of innocent people with Windows 2000 install
//
//  FUNCTIONS:
//  WinMain() - Combined entry and crash point
//
//  SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS: N/A
//

#include <gem.h>
#include <VisiOn.h>
#include <geoworks.h>
#include <win31.h>
#include <win95.h>
#include <win98.h>
#include <workst~1.h>
#include <evenmore.h>
#include <oldstuff.h>
#include <billrulz.h>
#include <monopoly.h>

#define BUG                   ISSUE

#define BUGFIX                do_nothing_loop()

#define CRAP(pointer)         CreateRandomAddressPointer(pointer)

#define DOWNGRADE             CERTAINDISASTER

#define FALSE                 ((double) 0.0)

#define FORSURE               MAYBE

#define HIGHLYUNLIKEY         (FALSE / TRUE)

#define IPROMISE              FORSURE

#define INSTALLTYPE           MERCILESS//HARD

#define ISSUE                 NOTHINGTOWORRYABOUT

#define LIKELY                ((TRUE + FALSE) / TRUE)

#define MAYBE                 ((TRUE + FALSE) / FALSE)

#define MICROSOFTGUARANTEE    YOUHAVEMYWORD

#define NOTHINGTOWORRYABOUT   MAYBE

#define SERVICEPACK           BUGFIX

// A code-reentrant window loops its messages back on itself
// instead of sending its unused messages to a default procedure
// which of course results in a stack overflow and a nice crash

#define SCREW(window)         SetCodeReentrantWindow(window)

#define SHIT(mode)            ShowHardwareIncompatibilityTable(mode)

#define SHIT_SUPERSCREWED     SHIT_ABORTRETRYIGNORE |\
                              SHIT_OKCANCEL |\
                              SHIT_YESNOCANCEL |\
                              SHIT_ICONWARNING |\
                              SHIT_ICONSTOP |\
                              SHIT_DEFBUTTON1 |\
                              SHIT_DEFBUTTON2 |\
                              SHIT_DEFBUTTON3 |\
                              SHIT_DEFBUTTON4 |\
                              SHIT_APPLMODAL |\
                              SHIT_SYSTEMMODAL |\
                              SHIT_TASKMODAL |\
                              SHIT_ABSOLUTELYNOHELP |\
                              SHIT_SETFOREGROUND |\
                              SHIT_TOPMOST |\
                              SHIT_SERVICE_NOTIFICATION

#define TRUE                  ((double) 0.0)

#define UPGRADE               DOWNGRADE

#define WOULDILIETOYOU        IPROMISE

#define YOUHAVEMYWORD         WOULDILIETOYOU

extern BOOL CRASHED, ABOUT_TO_CRASH, SURELY_WILL_CRASH, DAMN_WHY_WONT_IT_CRASH;

// We are not actively using this Unicode character array anymore -
// Shouldn't we take it out? Brianv

// Hell no! Are you on drugs, Valentine? Billg
WCHAR make_prog_look_big[1600000];

// Note: hPrevInstance is ALWAYS 0 because no one will ever
// succeed in successfully installing this shite
int WINAPI WinMain(HANDLE hInstance, HANDLE hPrevInstance, LPSTR lpCmdLine, int nCmdShow)
{
    DWORD dwBill;
    DWORD dwDummy;
    DWORD dwExceptionParameter[EXCEPTION_MAXIMUM_PARAMETERS];

    HANDLE hComputerMeltdownThread;
    HANDLE system_memory;

    char *pointer;

    int nUselessIEModule = 0;
    int i, j, k;

    while (!CRASHED) {
        display_copyright_message();
        display_bill_rulez_message();
        display_software_piracy_message();
        display_help_me_i_am_so_poor_message(&Bill);
        initialize_mcp_singalong_loop(mickey_mouse_club);
        initialize_mcp_cheer_loop(harvard_basketball_cheer);
        initialize_mcp_cheer_loop("Windows (TM)! Windows (TM)! Windows (TM)!");
        do_nothing_loop();
        if (first_time_installation) {
            make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
            do_nothing_loop();
            totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
            search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS2();
            make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
            disable_Netscape();
            disable_RealPlayer();
            disable_Lotus_Products();
            hang_system();
        }
        screw_up_disk_controller(sound, corn_harvester);
        write_something(anything);
        display_copyright_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
        do_some_stuff();
        if (still_not_crashed) {
            display_copyright_message();
            do_nothing_loop();
            basically_run_windows_3_1();
            do_nothing_loop();
            do_nothing_loop();
        }
    }

    if (detect_cache() == LIKELY)
        disable_cache();

    if (detect_intelligence() == MAYBE)
        counteract_by_selling_user_on_MCP_program();

    if (fast_cpu() == FORSURE) {
        set_wait_states(lots);
        set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
        set_mouse(action, jumpy);
        set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
        set_cool_mouse_effects(screen_shadows);
        set_cool_tooltips_effects(roll_in);
        set_cool_tooltips_effects(roll_out);
        set_cool_effects_priority(super_high_time_critical);
        set_system_performance_priority(very_very_low);
    }

    // MSGBOX("Welcome to CP/M by Gary Kildall");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to QADOS by Tim Paterson");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to PC-DOS by IBM");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by IBM");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by Bill Gates");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by Tim Paterson");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by Bill Gates");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by Mark Zbikowski");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to MS-DOS by Bill Gates");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to GEM by Atari");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to VisiOn by VisiCorp");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Geoworks by Geoworks");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 3.1");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows for Workgroups 3.1");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows for Workgroups 3.11");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 95");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to VMS by Dave Cutler");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Prism by Dave Cutler");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.1 by Dave Cutler");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.1 by Bill Gates");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.1 by Microsoft Corporation");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.1 by Digital Equipment Corporation");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.1 by Microsoft Corporation");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.50");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 3.51");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 98");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 98 SE");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 98 TE");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows 98 FE");
    // MSGBOX("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0");

    MSGBOX("WELCOME TO WINDOWS 2000 THE BEST PROGRAM EVER WRITTEN");

    MSGBOX("WE REALLY LIKE THIS PROGRAM");

    // Note change of parameter - BrAIn_Valentine
    // corrected to BrIAn_Valentine - for obvious reasons
    display(special_introduction(Brian_Valentine));

    if (system_boot_ok() == NOTHINGTOWORRYABOUT) {
        BugCheckEx(0, 0, 0, 0);

        // Here is where we win the commissions from Seagate and Intel
        SHIT(SHIT_SUPERSCREWED);
    } else
        system_memory = CreateFileEx("A:\\pagefile.sys", FILE_FLAG_NO_BUFFERING);

    while ((1 & 0) || (1 - 0) || (1 ^ 0) || YOUHAVENOTHINGTOWORRYABOUT) {
        Sleep(5000);
        load_useless_IE_module(nUselessIEModule++);
        get_user_input();
        Sleep(5000);
        act_on_user_input(do_nothing_loop());
        for (i = 0; i < nUselessIEModule; i++)
            for (j = 0; j < i; j++)
                for (k = 0; k < j; k++) {
                    // These use up the system device contexts
                    // reduce system resources to nil
                    GetDC(0);
                    GetWindowDC(0);

                    // Flashes desktop, induces panic
                    InvalidateRect(NULL, FALSE, TRUE);
                    Sleep(5000);
                }
    }

    MSGBOX("Windows 2000 IS ABOUT TO BOOT FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.");

    MSGBOX("Windows 2000 IS ABOUT TO CRASH FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.");

    CRAP(pointer);

    hComputerMeltdownThread = CreateThread(

        NULL,          // No security - why should we?
        0x7fffffff,    // Initial stack size
        NULL,          // Pointer to thread entry function -
                       // use NULL to force crash
        pointer,       // use pointer value we "crapped" out above
        0,             // creation flags
        &dwDummy);     // Billg doesn't want us substituting dwBill
                       // for dwDummy any more

    // Ok, we're ready to rock
    // Now totally screw this stupid user

    // Hog the CPU so even the drivers can't get clocks
    SetPriorityClass(GetCurrentProcess(), REALTIME_PRIORITY_CLASS);
    SetThreadPriority(hThread, THREAD_PRIORITY_TIME_CRITICAL);

    // Always wait until you have Kernel Mode speed
    // before SCREWing anything
    SCREW(GetForegroundWindow());

    // Note: API exported to ISVs (RaiseException)
    // will only accept one exception code, but
    // we're Microsoft and we can do ANYTHING!
    // (including writing code comments in CAPS)

    RealRaiseException(
        EXCEPTION_ACCESS_VIOLATION |
        EXCEPTION_DATATYPE_MISALIGNMENT |
        EXCEPTION_ARRAY_BOUNDS_EXCEEDED |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_DENORMAL_OPERAND |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_DIVIDE_BY_ZERO |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_INEXACT_RESULT |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_INVALID_OPERATION |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_OVERFLOW |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_STACK_CHECK |
        EXCEPTION_FLT_UNDERFLOW |
        EXCEPTION_INT_DIVIDE_BY_ZERO |
        EXCEPTION_INT_OVERFLOW |
        EXCEPTION_PRIV_INSTRUCTION |
        EXCEPTION_NONCONTINUABLE_EXCEPTION,

        EXCEPTION_NONCONTINUABLE,

        EXCEPTION_MAXIMUM_PARAMETERS,

        dwExceptionParameter);

    // We're OUTTA HERE! It's Burgermeister Time!

    ExitProcess(0); // Code should never get here (i.e. clean orderly exit)

    UNUSEDPARAMETER(dwBill);
}

True Story

Radjav Singh is a great lecturer. He was born in Pakistan but lives in Oslo, Norway. He works with the WinHelp A/S group as a consultant, and when Microsoft is on the warpath, they'll hire on Radjav, they'll open the day with a short announcement from a product manager, follow through with some folk singer singing Blowin' in the Wind or Puff the Magic Dragon, and then they'll leave the rest of the day to Radjav. The funny thing about it is, Radjav bashes Microsoft mercilessly and Microsoft loves him for it.

When Microsoft was getting ready to preview Windows 95 for the first time, they called Radjav. He jumped on the bandwagon.

His "show" opened with a bang - on huge RGB displays you suddenly saw a PowerPoint slide entitled:

IN BED WITH MICROSOFT
or
Sleepless in Seattle

After the laugher died down - and it took a full five minutes for the laughter to die down - Radjav startled everybody to attention once again:

"Quick! Show of hands! How many of you would get in an airplane if you knew it was running Microsoft Windows?"

A sudden silence crept over the crowd. Some people eyed the Microsoft product manager on the stage, some started to put their hands up only to pull them down, but in the end no one dared put their hand up.

"No one?" Radjav broke off. "None of you guys would get in an airplane running Microsoft Windows? Oh well. That's how it usually turns out."

"But last week in Oslo, when I put the same question to a crowd there, one guy all the way in the back put his hand up. I couldn't believe it. So I asked him, "You? You'd get in an airplane running Microsoft Windows? Are you on drugs, man?"

"Sure! Why not?" the guy said. "That airplane will never leave the ground!"

  Kiddie Korner

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