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Oh I Would Never Want To BeWeek of November 19, 2004
With all due (dis)respect to Microsoft Chief Executive Office Steve Ballmer. (Want to contribute to this list? Radsoft Guarantee: you send it in, it will be published!)
With respect to Steve Ballmer, Oh I Would Never Want To Be:
- The one to use a toilet right after him.
- The doctor who has to tell him to say 'ah'.
- The table he bangs his fist on.
- Within three feet of him when he is shouting: the bad breath must be a killer.
- His barber.
- His tailor.
- His under arm deodorant.
- A Microsoft employee.
- His dietician.
- In the same room without wearing ear muffs.
- At the same PTA meeting.
- His cocaine dealer.
- His waiter in a restaurant.
- His futon.
- His secretary.
- The McDonalds employee who bags his fourteen double cheeseburgers with extra cheese and onions and his seventeen super-large french fries every morning.
- His neighbour.
- His psychiatrist.
- Someone known to have hung out with him at Proctor & Gamble.
- In the same Harvard class picture.
- A Microsoft customer.
- Someone even one tenth as 'enthusiastic'.
- Vito Corleone.
- Steve Case.
- Marc Andreessen.
- Jonathan Schwartz.
- A PC OEM.
- His personal or corporate legal adviser.
- Giving him a colonoscopy.
- Part of his immediate family.
- Even a distant relative.
- Someone with the same surname.
- Someone called 'Steve'.
- Fat and ugly like him.
- On drugs.
- A billionaire if it means being as ugly as him.
- His eye ear nose and throat specialist.
- The fiancé of a girl he raped.
- A cheerleader.
- A Harvard graduate.
- A groundskeeper at the Redmond campus.
- Charlton Heston.
- Thade.
- Michael Dell.
- A Gartner employee.
- The name on an astroturfed tombstone.
- Josef Göbbels.
- Heinrich Himmler.
- TP Jackson.
- Someone at a kindergarten he likes to visit.
- His bartender.
- A stripper in a club he frequents.
- Melinda French.
- On his IM buddy list.
- As hopelessly impotent.
- In the same clubhouse locker room.
- A transexual lover he jilted.
- A transexual lover he didn't jilt.
- A U-Wash girl who couldn't get rid of him by claiming she was a transexual.
- Fruit Of The Looms.
- His shoes.
- His marriage counselor.
- The doctor who flubbed his mother's abortion.
- Mrs Ballmer - any of them.
- The pre-historic philanderer who made sure the Ballmer genes would carry on.
- His DNA.
- Another stoned monkey.
- One of his milk teeth.
- A suppository - ever again.
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