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Ballmer Trial Begins
29 December 2004 19:14 UTC
KING COUNTY SEATTLE (Reuters) -- Chaos reigned both in the King County Court House and on the steps outside as the trial of Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer began today.
Dozens of protesters blocked the entrance to the courthouse in the Pioneer Square District of downtown Seattle, carrying shrink wrapped copies of Windows and demanding a full refund. As the limousine carrying the Microsoft CEO approached, jeers and boos were heard from the crowd and several projectiles were thrown.
Steve Ballmer entered the courthouse with a sweater pulled up over his head. According to defence attorney Simon T Sticklefish, the sweater was knitted by the Microsoft CEO's mother during the time they've spent together in her home waiting for the trial.
Ballmer was arrested 18 November upon his return to the US from a foreign policy visit to the Far East, charged with being ugly and without redeeming social characteristic. In courtroom W-921 Judge Cheryl B Carey heard opening arguments for both sides.
District Attorney Marvin Goodwell promised the jurors his office would provide 'incontrovertible evidence that Steve Fat Bastard Ballmer is a disgrace to the computer science industry, a disgrace to the city of Seattle, a disgrace to the country, and a disgrace to the world'.
Goodwell cited the reaction of Far East government representatives to Ballmer's recent meeting with them, the rumours of his collusion with aliens intent on yet conquering the planet Earth, and several video uptakes of the Microsoft CEO dancing with the help of controlled substances - 'like a Fat Ugly Monkey On Crack'.
Things took another turn for the worse when Sticklefish concluded his statement for the defence. Suddenly the repugnant Microsoft executive started up and began bounding about the courtroom, fists held menacingly above his ugly bald head, screaming 'You steal your software but you'll pay! You'll all pay!'
Ballmer then turned to the jurors - one OS X user, one Linspire user, three Windows 98SE users, three Windows 2000 users, and four Windows XP users - shouting 'We know more about security than anyone else in the world!' and 'Who writes open source software anyway?'
Guards were eventually able to subdue the extremely obese Microsoft executive who was held in contempt.
The trial continues 3 January 2005.