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A Software Carol
Week of February 3, 2002
The ink on the 2002-01-21 issue of X-news (which dealt exclusively with the AOL attempt to buy out Red Hat) had hardly dried before the following letter dropped in.
From: Dorkbutt B Dimwit
Date: Sun, 20 Jan 2002 13:29:17 -0500
I really don't want to waist (sic) my time reading your (sic) Microsoft bashing.
Which is pretty astute - as that X-news was about AOL and Red Hat, and Microsoft was hardly mentioned. But ok point taken, we are all too negative about Microsoft, aren't we?
Microsoft has done great things for us in the past - and they will continue to do great things for us in the future.
So herewith A Software Carol - which hopefully won't rile the Dickens out of everyone again. And out of respect for the punctuality of Microsoft releases it's intentionally a bit late.
Ghost of Software Past
Microsoft's corporate history is full of inventions - to wit.
- In 1980 Bill Gates and Microsoft invented MS-DOS. They did this by purchasing a source code license to an operating system written by Tim Paterson. Microsoft invested heavily in the development of the operating system - by paying Paterson's company US$400,000 outside the courtroom door a year later.
- In 1983 Microsoft invented Unix and the C programming language. We can be forgiven for not knowing this, for the details of Microsoft buying out Lattice Corporation and a source code license from Bell Labs were not featured prominently in the news.
- In 1983 Microsoft also invented the first graphical user interface ever - Microsoft Windows with the powerful MS-DOS Executive.
- In 1983 Microsoft also invented the backslash and the hierarchical file system, along with the secondary storage drive letters A-Z, which inadvertently led to the standardisation of the English alphabet.
- In 1985 Microsoft invented the reliably unstable operating system, with the release of Microsoft Windows version 1.02.
- In 1992 Microsoft invented AARD Code, a refinement of their famous FUD Technology®.
- In 1992 Microsoft invented Windows NT. They did this by settling a humungoid lawsuit with a very angry Digital Equipment Corporation.
- In 1995 Microsoft invented and perfected the Systemware/Hardware Symbiosis, virtually guaranteeing Intel increased profits forever.
- In 1995 Microsoft also invented the World Wide Web and the world's first Internet Browser.
- In 1996 Microsoft invented the Super-Fast-Getaway, developed by NT architect David N. Cutler.
- In 1997 Microsoft invented the Virus Laden Paper Clip.
And Microsoft are never content to rest on their laurels - they're always looking to see how they can improve on de facto standards.
Other great inventions Microsoft have given us include the Computer Keyboard, the Knowledge Base Software Issue, the Games Console and Cash for Silence, a proprietary enhancement to the Full Disclosure Standard.
Let's face it - we need Microsoft. They must be free to innovate.
Ghost of Software Present
Microsoft Windows XP - XP stands for eXPerience - is the best they have ever done, the best program ever written. It takes users to a new level of power-computing with features such as Teletubbie Wallpapers, Systemic Program Crashes, and Product Activation. With features such as these - and a next-generation super-computer from Silicon Graphics - our world will never be the same. And security? Security is high in Redmond - Bill Gates has told us so.
Ghost of Software Future
Not much is known about the future at this (in)junction but we do know it will be bright. Things can hardly get anything but better after Windows XP. (Hey that didn't come out right.)
But there are obstacles to progress - and we must all pitch in and help remove these obstacles. We must stand behind Microsoft.
Here's a quick run-down of the evil threatening us all:
- The .NET initiative (MS Passport) has been unjustly maligned as a security-weak authentication system.MS Passport must be vindicated.
- The fantastic feature-rich Internet Information Server suffered greatly (and unjustly) under 2001 at the hands of nasty hackers with worms such as Nimda, Code Red, and the Office Paper Clip.IIS must be vindicated.
- The US Department of Justice is still harassing Microsoft.The DOJ must be silenced.
- Outlook, perhaps the second greatest program ever written: this fantastic e-mail client and organiser was totally castigated in the press and accused of being the cause of damages for over $5 billion in 2000 and perhaps even more in 2001. LIES.Outlook must be vindicated.
- Linux: Linux is a totally free, open source operating system which runs reliably and does not crash. Linux is a cancer on our planet which must be eradicated at all costs.Linux must be destroyed - and Linus Torvalds along with it.
- Java: Sun Microsystems continues to push this ridiculous stuff. Windows XP did the right thing by discontinuing its use, but we still have any number of other platforms out there which aren't going to stop using it - yet.Java - and all non-Microsoft technologies - must be stopped.
- MPA: Product Activation has been maligned in the press. Whiners complain about computers suddenly shutting down with no warning and no ability to start them up again. MORE LIES.The anti-MPA whiners must be silenced.
- The Register. This disrespectful and ungrateful British e-zine continues to publish secret info leaked from Microsoft by evil ungrateful Microsoft employees.The leaks must be plugged, The Register burned to the ground.
- Radsoft. Especially the news letter X-news is a constant source of embarrassment to Redmond while Radsoft software consistently out-performs Microsoft's own.Radsoft must be prevented from distributing superior software.
According to our sources, Ant Hill, the extremely secret code name for MS K-4, the next generation of The Best Program Ever Written, is going to have sensational new features created by the brain trust in Redmond especially for you.
Brian Valentine promises more details real soon now. 'We're going to blow your mind', says the new mega-star of 'Planet of the Apes XV'.
Valentine's team are also working on WEBBIE, a new Internet server which will replace IIS and hopefully win back all the customers that left the MS platform after the evil slurs on its reputation by nasty security experts during the year 2001. WEBBIE is written entirely in Visual Basic - and Bill Gates himself is rumoured to be contributing to the code, ensuring robustness and the highest quality in the soon to be released product.
'I love writing tight code loops in Visual Basic,' commented Gates.
So the next time some nut wants the anti-MS forces to calm down, he'd better be prepared for the consequences. He'd better wait until said forces actually attack, and he'd better have more up his sleeve than a dumb typo or two.
Otherwise he's just waisting everyone's time.
The world is sick and tired of these bozos and not willing to take it anymore.
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