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Oh I Would Never Want To Be

Week of November 19, 2004

With all due (dis)respect to Microsoft Chief Executive Office Steve Ballmer. (Want to contribute to this list? Radsoft Guarantee: you send it in, it will be published!)

With respect to Steve Ballmer, Oh I Would Never Want To Be:

  • The one to use a toilet right after him.
  • The doctor who has to tell him to say 'ah'.
  • The table he bangs his fist on.
  • Within three feet of him when he is shouting: the bad breath must be a killer.
  • His barber.
  • His tailor.
  • His under arm deodorant.
  • A Microsoft employee.
  • His dietician.
  • In the same room without wearing ear muffs.
  • At the same PTA meeting.
  • His cocaine dealer.
  • His waiter in a restaurant.
  • His futon.
  • His secretary.
  • The McDonalds employee who bags his fourteen double cheeseburgers with extra cheese and onions and his seventeen super-large french fries every morning.
  • His neighbour.
  • His psychiatrist.
  • Someone known to have hung out with him at Proctor & Gamble.
  • In the same Harvard class picture.
  • A Microsoft customer.
  • Someone even one tenth as 'enthusiastic'.
  • Vito Corleone.
  • Steve Case.
  • Marc Andreessen.
  • Jonathan Schwartz.
  • A PC OEM.
  • His personal or corporate legal adviser.
  • Giving him a colonoscopy.
  • Part of his immediate family.
  • Even a distant relative.
  • Someone with the same surname.
  • Someone called 'Steve'.
  • Fat and ugly like him.
  • On drugs.
  • A billionaire if it means being as ugly as him.
  • His eye ear nose and throat specialist.
  • The fiancé of a girl he raped.
  • A cheerleader.
  • A Harvard graduate.
  • A groundskeeper at the Redmond campus.
  • Charlton Heston.
  • Thade.
  • Michael Dell.
  • A Gartner employee.
  • The name on an astroturfed tombstone.
  • Josef Göbbels.
  • Heinrich Himmler.
  • TP Jackson.
  • Someone at a kindergarten he likes to visit.
  • His bartender.
  • A stripper in a club he frequents.
  • Melinda French.
  • On his IM buddy list.
  • As hopelessly impotent.
  • In the same clubhouse locker room.
  • A transexual lover he jilted.
  • A transexual lover he didn't jilt.
  • A U-Wash girl who couldn't get rid of him by claiming she was a transexual.
  • Fruit Of The Looms.
  • His shoes.
  • His marriage counselor.
  • The doctor who flubbed his mother's abortion.
  • Mrs Ballmer - any of them.
  • The pre-historic philanderer who made sure the Ballmer genes would carry on.
  • His DNA.
  • Another stoned monkey.
  • One of his milk teeth.
  • A suppository - ever again.

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