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That Scum Sucker Bill Gates

Week of March 4, 2005

This rant is not approved by RIAC. If you're afraid your virgin ears are going to bleed, get out now. Go to disney.com.

We're fucking pissed - and pissed in a way that doesn't happen very often, despite the affected hubris these articles often have. We're pissed because we had to work our butts off for a poor Microsoft customer all the while we received word that Mr Jackass himself, William Goebbels Gates III, was getting a virtual knighthood over in London from Queen E, thanks to a little political coup engineered by Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown.

Our friend uses her computers in her work. She's not playing around: she has work to do. Day in, day out, every day. Like so many others she knew only of Microsoft and installed Windows like everyone else. She's used Internet Explorer and Outlook from day one. And today she - or someone else in her office - has to spend at the very least one hour per day just cleaning up after that asshole Bill Gates.

The viruses and worms and trojans run rampant. Trying to even launch Outlook results in multiple crashes before the sick thing can stabilise. She has 469 (four hundred sixty nine) messages in her Inbox.

She's been away from her office for over a week; staff have been struggling to keep up without her; they haven't had time to get at the mail.

Which is self-defeating anyway: of the 469 messages initially found there, less than twenty were actual business messages - the rest were junk, just junk, pure unadulterated junk.

Every time Outlook started up, Ad-Aware would butt in right away and alert that new attack vectors had been detected. Not only had the bombs got through to her system, not only was there no peripheral protection, but Outlook casually loaded the shite and infected her all over again.

There were several messages which immediately launched Internet Explorer; despite our cleaning the system less than a month ago, her home page had been hijacked again and Ad-Aware found a new five dozen vectors on disk.

There were tonnes of correspondence from her colleagues. But these were not genuine messages; no, they were attack vectors: malfeasant code had attacked their machines and read the great Outlook address books and starting spitting vile all over the place.

At least forty messages had to be deleted in this fashion.

Even the ISP was involved - the ISP sent perhaps 60 messages alerting that incoming mail had carried various payloads such as Netsky and MyDoom. The messages were not forwarded, but the Inbox was full of this shite and that, in and of itself, takes a lot of time to ferret out and delete.

And this piece of crap known as Outlook seems to have little or no scaleability: if you get too many messages in there, the pathetic thing collapses like a house of cards. And one wonders too: this is Very Special Microsoft Design - it's too easy to store messages in the straightforward plain text format they're sent; no, let's create a bloated totally idiotic Microsoft BINARY format that takes hundreds of KB on disk for a single fucking file and let's make it nearly impossible for the user to see the actual message in all its non-twisted, non-Microsoft glory.

We've never used Outlook. How could we? We never knew back then what we know today, but seriously: one look at this piece of shit program and YOU SHOULD KNOW it's a piece of shit. We certainly did. We never looked back. We never used it.

And when the Love Bug hit, it only confirmed our worst suspicions. And security expert Mark Joseph Edwards came out and accused Bill Gates outright of being behind the entire catastrophe. Gates and his monkeys MUST have known, wrote Edwards, what they were doing when they made these idiotic programs with their idiotic settings.

For at the end of the day it doesn't matter if a user can purchase additional software and/or find a way to turn the junk off. It's 'out of the box' insecure and a total mess. This is what Microsoft - and Virtual Knight William Gates - are selling the world.

And so William H Fucking Gates 3 donates £162 million to the University of Cambridge because Sir Tim Berners-Lee - a true Englishman and someone who actually merits it - has a knighthood and Snively Snotface wants one too. Boo-hoo boo-hoo.

And Gordon Brown sees an opening to get back at Tony Blair.

And the Queen, more like a Pawn, is recruited to make the coup complete.

And all the while this news is coming in we are spending another five hours cleaning up Bill Asshole Gates' mess. No other industry in the world has ever had such scandalous unethical product engineering. As the San Francisco Gate wrote, it is a wonder computer users don't take their torches and pitchforks and storm Bill Gates' palatial residence and at least burn him in effigy.

This is not about computers; it is not about brands; it's about consumer awareness and that scum sucker Bill Gates.

A facetious commenter at Slashdot wondered why the hand of Queen E, 78 years young, couldn't shake as she held the sword to Bill Gates' scrawny neck. For had she been a bit shaky, we might all have been one major headache poorer today.


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