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Killing Off Vicious Evil Windows Malware Part 1,000,001


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Ivan Prgomet is twenty years old and today he's very proud. He somehow got Sweden's premier sleaze rag Expressen to find him so he could tell his harrowing tale of combatting vicious evil Windows malware.

But if Ivan is so smart, why then is he running Windows? He can't be that stupid, can he?

Hundreds of people in the remote and isolated duckpond have been hit by what the hysterical duck media are calling the 'police virus'. The malware locks up your [Windows] computer and sends your browser [IE?] off to an intimidating site where you're told you've been a bad bad person for engaging in file-sharing and you now must pay a fine [CC money] to the authorities.


'Mostly I was irritated somebody was mucking with my computer', Ivan said.

But seriously: if Ivan doesn't like people mucking with his computer, then why is he running Windows? He can't be that stupid, can he?

The phony website Ivan found borrows logos and graphics from the websites of the Swedish police and the sitting government's cabinet. Advanced hacking going on there. Expressen with a duck-clarification.

'This is done to make the phony site more convincing.'

Thanks, Expressen.

The national police board have an 'IT expert' ready to comment. His name is Anders Ahlqvist. And he tells Expressen:

'Hundreds of people have filed police complaints. We don't know how many other people have been victimised.'

Why do those idiots run to the police instead of just yucking it up for being stupid and running Windows, and go out and get a decent computer system?

Are they so thick that even today they don't realise all this crap only happens to Windows? Are they?

There'd be no malware or malware crises in the world to speak of if people simply got two brain cells on a collision course and made the jump from Windows.

Ivan Prgomet, from Höganäs in Sweden, got hit by the 'police virus' last Tuesday.

'Suddenly a lot of really scary text appeared onscreen to tell me I'd broken copyright laws when I was downloading music and software!' he says.

Didn't Ivan have his battery of two dozen antivirus suites - which for only a few hundred per year will protect him against almost half of all the Windows malware in the wild? What was wrong?

'It looked like a professional website!' added the twenty year old. 'That website could fool even experienced computer users!'

Hold on there, Ivan. For even relatively clueless users (at least those found outside the duckpond) know better than to run Windows with a connection to the Internet. And they're normally not that stupid they get fooled by sites like that anyway. Not unless they're incorrigible morons outside the pond or unlucky enough to be in it.

The evil malicious website told Ivan he'd have to pay - that's when Ivan first realised the website was a bluff. Clearly he couldn't check his URL bar or order a quick CT. So, according to Expressen, 'he powered down his computer - but the website popped up again anyway!'

Which has to be quite the feat, or else Expressen reporter Eva-Lisa Wallin didn't sweat the details, or else she's an incorrigible moron too.

But whatever: this is when Ivan rolls up his sleeves and gets to work. He restarts his [Windows] computer in so-called 'safe mode' - a popular method of startup often used on Windows because the system is so crappy.

'Starting there, I began my search for the malware - and I even found some hacker code!' exclaims Ivan. So great!

Police IT expert Anders Ahlqvist has been hearing stories about this 'virus', as Eva-Lisa Wallin insists on incorrectly calling it, for almost two years. There's an international league behind it, says Wallin. Ahlqvist encourages all victims to file police complaints - yes even if they succeed in unlocking their sorry [Windows] computers like twenty year old Ivan from Höganäs.

But note what's missing in Ahlqvist's admonition. No one in Sweden wants the GATES to sic the BALLMER on them.

'If you don't file a police complaint, you can be sure the fraudsters will continue!' warns Ahlqvist.

WRONG, Ahlqvist. And SHAME ON YOU for not offering people better advice. You 're an IT expert?

If they stop using Windows, the fraudsters will dry up overnight. And you should know that.

Hey Ahlqvist, you IT expert. You should tell people to immediately abandon Windows and get something else - any other platform will do. ANYTHING. You know this, AHLQVIST- either that or you're an incorrigible moron too.

And Ivan could have told people how he managed to get rid of that 'virus'. Or maybe he did but Eva-Lisa Wallin and her boss thought the piece would then be too 'low key' and not scare people enough. Whatever: if there's a way to combat malware, and if twenty year old Ivan could manage it, then the least Expressen could have done is spread the word so others can do it too.

Shame on Expressen for publishing such tripe, shame on Eva-Lisa Wallin for being a part of it, and shame on all the ducks for running crapware and then whinging about it.

Ivan Prgomet, Anders Ahlqvist, Eva-Lisa Wallin, and all of Sweden and Expressen recommend Microsoft Windows for reliable data security.

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